 Are you someone who feels like they can’t be their true selves around people for fear that they might not like you? Or on some level become violent if you're not agreeable? Or feel like you turn into a chameleon whenever a new person or group is introduced? Or maybe you’re someone who isn’t sure you know who you even are? Each one of these feelings are all different types of people pleasing. A road that, in the moment, you think feels good because you get people to like “you”, all the while you never feel close to them because you never showed them your true you and only what you think they want. But because you’re human and crave deep connections, you end up feeling alone even in a room full of people you know. So when you try to express yourself, you are only met with misunderstandings that end up wounding you. Well trust me, I’ve been there and it is not fun. My heart breaks thinking others are going through this pain but there is a way out and there are people out there who will love your true you (once you figure out who she is and is confident about it). This guide will show you 7 mindset shifts that show you how people pleasing only hurts you and those around you and give you ways to help manage these feelings in the future. So let’s get into Mindset Shift 1! People will never truly be able to understand you just like you will never truly be able to understand them. The simple fact is that we only see a small clip of them when we hang out. Because think about it, how often do you find yourself not being 100% with someone you are talking to? You aren’t giving them your inner thoughts or possibly how you truly feel about something and instead focus on what they probably want to hear or acting in a way you think they will like and therefore like you better. They could be doing the same thing with you too. It is more than ok for people to not understand you. Because the only person you really have to focus on understanding you deeply, truly and judgment free is yourself. Then the next person is your partner in life (and try your best to understand them as much as possible so you can be on the same page and really knock this whole “life game” out of the park together). QUICK STORY TIME Let’s take a look at how people pleasing can be viewed by the person that you are doing it to. Some people will view your interaction like this : Jane : “Hey Becky, what are you thinking for lunch today?” (hoping to get some direction on what they could have together). Becky : “Uhmmm Whatever you want is fine…” (I don’t know what I want but I’m sure she will pick something good). Jane : “Ok, can you give me a few choices to pick from so it’s something we both want?” (hmmm there are so many places and I want us both to have a nice time, hopefully she can give me something to work with). Becky : “Ha uhm i don’t really care, pick whatever.” (ugh just pick a place, I don’t want to have to choose). Jane : “Alright let’s go to this Mexican place up the road!” (alright, I tried and this place is the closest). Becky : “Great” (ugh Mexican hurts my stomach but I guess whatever). A few days later Jane hears that Becky had a horrible time and that she doesn’t even like Mexican food and only did what Jane wanted. Jane becomes confused because she asked for Becky’s input but because Becky was people pleasing and in the moment thinking that going with whatever Jane wanted then the day was good because she made Jane happy in that moment.. Jane becomes frustrated because had Becky spoken up, she wouldn’t have cared to change to somewhere else, she just didn’t know. Jane now doesn’t know what else Becky hasn’t been honest about because Jane always thought Becky would speak up if she didn’t like something they were doing. But because Becky was just complaining about something that in the moment she said yes to makes Janet not feel confident in their friendship. In the end both Becky and Jane end up hurt because communicating takes both people to share their ideas and move forward together. Obviously this is a very simple situation but hopefully you can see what I am getting at here. MINDSET SHIFT 2 People pleasing only really hurts you and makes people “like” a false version of you. If you’re worried about them not liking you or being mean, remember that happy people don’t go around putting others down. The negativity that you get from someone is usually just them projecting their sadness, hurt and anger onto you to make them feel better and has nothing to do with you. Most likely you, without realizing or knowingly, hit an insecurity for them and they react like a wounded dog. They also are most likely falling into the crab bucket mentality which is this phenomenon that happens when someone sees you doing better for your life, while they are still stuck in the same place, will do everything they can to drag you back down to where they are.  Crabs are notorious for doing this with other crabs trying to reach for freedom. Instead of working together to get out of the bucket, they drag each other down because if they’re stuck then you better be stuck with them. Don’t let crabby hoes drag your beautiful butt down. Grab my hand goddess and come with me to freedom! By trying to force yourself to fit into whatever mold you think that person wants you to fit in, is you lowering your frequency to match theirs….. And you gotta ask yourself, are they someone I want to be like? Do I want their life? If the answer is no, then try your best, because I know this is difficult, but allow their opinions to wash over you like water over a rock. Their opinions could be well meaning but because they can’t possibly know or understand to the level that you understand, their words are honestly….kind of useless …unless something hits home. If it does hit home, take a moment later to write and reflect on it and really dig deep on if it really does apply because at least in my case, my first thought or first reflex isn’t usually right or what's best for me. Emotions are tricky lil hoes and just pop up like a reflex. So by allowing yourself the grace to step back and give yourself some space, you can think clearly on what hit you and why. It could be something that you might need to hear or it could very well be their projection of their emotions of if they were in your situation, how they might feel….. But you aren’t them and never will be, so you can disregard it and not feel any anxiety about it because you’ve given yourself the opportunity to really think about it and know that it’s not for you. MINDSET SHIFT 3 People pleasing only results in the person you are doing this to, to like a false version of you and usually drains the energy out of you for constantly assessing their emotions and trying to future problem solve reactions that might not even happen. This is usually due to some traumatic event in your past where you learned to act this was in order to survive that moment or that person.  But wouldn’t you rather have people like you for the wonderful person you truly are and not some made up version of you that is so tiring to maintain? You are a unique goddess and you will be stronger and loved more deeply by people for honoring and becoming your true you than some false god that only wants to have people there who love you for what you do for them and not for who you are. Finding your 10 people might take a while but will be so much more inspiring and uplifting and fulfilling than 2000 people that you’ve tried pleasing. Plus it’s so much harder to keep track of the image you’ve created for all the different people and all the different ways you have to be rather than the calm and ease that comes from you just being you. It saves you so much time contemplating your actions and remembering how to be with everyone. Instead you just act as you. And I don’t mean for you to be a dick, be nice but also be firm in knowing who you are. Plus with all the energy and thinking saved focused on other people, what could you do with that energy and precious mind? Would you be able to start that garden or learn a new skill or give more energy to your children, pets or spouse? Maybe finally being able to go outside and go for a little hike? Or finding peace in a bubble bath while reading? The world begins to open up once you reclaim your energy and clear your mind. Just like how some people prefer liquor to weed or dark chocolate to white or whatever, you will be someone's preference and others dislike and that is more than ok. It frees up your time to nurture the relationships that are equally beneficial and discard a lot of misunderstandings and pain. Because if someone doesn’t want to try and understand what you want and that means the world to you, then they don’t deserve your wonderful energy. MINDSET SHIFT 4 Some people, as soon as they see that you are a people pleaser or overly nice, will start thinking about how they can use you……..and is that someone you want in your life? Someone who wants to USE you and not love being around you for the simple reason of being near you? You are not an object so don’t let ANYONE USE you! There are bad people out here and are looking for anyone to abuse. Don’t waste your amazing potential and good heart on those types of people. Save that energy for people who give you some love and care back. You deserve people who give back to you when you give to them. MINDSET SHIFT 5 Conflict is not always a bad thing. Some people need it in order to listen to you. Your voice matters. Your needs matter. Your wants matter just as much as the other person. By not honoring your boundaries (especially with family) then you are showing them that your word means nothing and your feelings mean nothing and they can keep abusing you because you aren’t going to do shit. All you’re doing is wasting your breath and making yourself small for no fucking reason. You might lose them but honestly, wouldn’t your life be easier and happier? Again especially with family. And when you are firm with your boundaries, you start to gain more self trust and more confidence within yourself because you are someone to protect. MINDSET SHIFT 6 Stop allowing others the power to dictate how you feel about yourself. You should be the only person to tell you who you are. Because no one gets what and why you are doing, so how can they possibly judge you? If you don’t value yourself or feel worthy, do some soul searching and figure out what you can do that will give you the indication that you are worthy and that you are on the path to proving to you that you are worthy of everything in this life….. because you are. Next week’s blog post is going into how to spot and stop self sabotaging tendencies so if that is something you’re interested in learning about, join the newsletter to get it straight into your email! I only send a guide once a week...if that lol This was something that I started off small by working on my relationship with food and overcoming that.
That helped give me confidence that I can heal myself and get stronger. That I’m deserving of a good, healthy, happy life. Just like you are, you might just need to see yourself through my eyes. MINDSET SHIFT 7 If you want someone to truly like you, show them respect by listening and asking questions on what they like in life and sharing with them what you like in life. Be empathetic, be welcoming and be yourself. People like to be around others who have a firm handle on who they are because they can trust what you are saying and rely on you to be you and not wishy washy. Let go of needing people to like you. Focus on if you like YOU. Then you will start to attract the right people into your life and it will be seamless and easy. SIMPLE REMINDERS
CONCLUSION Hopefully by now you see that people pleasing is a response that happened to some trauma back in your youth that is lingering around and trying to sabotage you. Take back your life and finally find your group of chosen family! You deserve real friends, you deserve real happiness and you are worthy of all the love! Don’t give up, even when you slip up and find yourself people pleasing. It’s ok to fall back, just make sure that you see yourself doing it and then actively get back to being your real you, your chosen you. Slip ups happen, just hop back on the horse girly. People pleasing is like cutting yourself with tiny pins every time you end up doing this and soon you’ll die (metaphorically) from a 1000 tiny pin cuts that you placed in the dark. Come to the light with us, your fellow goddesses! Remember that you are beyond worthy of anything you want in life. Let’s stick together and cheer each other on my fellow goddess! I believe in you sweet soul and until next time, I wish you peace, strength and hope. ~Love Angel
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